A little history: Jake and I began to think seriously about having a child right around our first anniversary (last February). We knew it was still a little early, but it was on my mind and in our conversations more and more. We decided around April/May that it was time. Unfortunately, as is often the case, our time wasn't quite in sync with Heavenly Father's time. Every month that would go by, I was upset that we hadn't gotten pregnant yet and I was worried that something may be wrong and that we wouldn't be able to get pregnant without help. (I was paranoid, but I had good reason: my mom waited several years and adopted my older brother and sister before she was able to get pregnant. She had severe endometriosis and I was worried I might have similar issues.) By our fifth month of trying, something "snapped" in me. I hadn't given up, but I came to the realization that it might be a while before we could have children and I knew I just needed to settle in for the long haul. It was weird, but I felt more peaceful, that things would be okay and I just needed to trust and be patient. I think the Lord was waiting for me to have a little more faith, because sure enough, that month we got pregnant!
I had decided to be more patient that month and wasn't planning on testing until I was pretty sure I might be pregnant. Then, Tuesday, Sept. 11, I was home while Jake was at school and I got thinking about the date and it occurred to me that it really was possible. It was like a light bulb went on. I tried to convince myself to wait to test, but patience is not one of my stronger qualities. I told myself that I would be okay if it was negative, again. Still, my excitement was building and I almost knew...
It was POSITIVE!!
I was nearly in shock. I was laughing and talking to myself out loud. I think I even threw in some jumping up and down and perhaps a little dance. I'm sure if someone had glanced in on me, they would have thought I was crazy.
And I almost went crazy...because I couldn't tell anyone yet! I tried to think of a perfect clever way to tell Jake. When he got home, I was grinning ear to ear, but I didn't want to tell him yet because I wanted to wait until he was done with his homework. Otherwise, he would have been distracted by school and I wanted to have his full attention. Luckily, he just thought I was really excited about Riley doing well at the vet that day. (This was the longest day of my life!) Finally, just as he finished homework up and we were about to get ready for bed, I went in the bathroom and wrote: "World's best Daddy TO BE!" on the mirror so that he would see it when he went in to brush his teeth. When he FINALLY went in, I stayed just outside and waited. At first, he just smiled, like "aw, isn't that nice" as he turned to look at me. I was smiling from ear to ear. Then, I literally got to see the realization hit him. His face changed and he looked at me in shock, "you pregnant?!" I nodded emphatically.
I don't think it matters if you are planning a pregnancy or not. When it actually happens, I think there is always an element of shock. I didn't sleep very well that night...or the next few nights for that matter. It took me FOREVER to fall asleep and the second I was awake, I was AWAKE. My mind was racing. I was so happy, but very nervous. I was nearly in panic for the first few days because I wanted to read everything I could and so much of what I read said that at that stage (just 4 weeks), it was still very common to have a miscarriage. I wasn't planning on telling anyone for at least 4-6 weeks, but I HAD to talk to my mom. Of course, I had to tell dad too because there was no way mom would've kept it a secret from him. Given their history, they had also been concerned that I would have trouble getting pregnant, so both of them were overjoyed when I told them the news. I would love to say that talking to my mom calmed my fears, but I was still a nervous wreck. Time and prayer eventually calmed my nerves.
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that I have the opportunity to carry this child. My heart aches for friends and family who have trouble conceiving. The few months Jake and I had to wait for this blessing felt like an eternity. My prayers go out to those deserving parents-to-be. I feel such a huge responsibility for this child already and an enormous amount of gratitude for the opportunity to share in his creation and development. I am overwhelmingly grateful and so excited that Jake is his father. I'm so excited to know that this child is a part of both of us. I love Jake SO MUCH and know he will be the best dad. I have looked forward to being a mom my entire life. Being pregnant at last is such a miracle and while it has definitely come with its challenges, I couldn't be happier that this is happening to me now.
No comments:
Post a Comment